I've been battling trying to figure out things. Things like life. My life. Have you ever watched a movie, or read a book, and then asked: what the heck happened to my life? This is not what I hoped for. Not what I planned. Not what I saw for the future me. Not what I took a vow for. Where did I go wrong? I am no where I planned on being at my age.
Growing up, I only wanted to be a wife and a mom. I was, for awhile. Well, still am. Kind of. In the eyes of God and my church, I am still a wife. My husband and the courts of Minnesota don't see it that way, but I answer to God. Most family members don't see it the way I do either. I feel like I am the pathetic one. The poor one (seriously, I am poor - financially - haven't had a job in years and can't get one for some reason.) I'm shunned by my oldest son. It hurts that I am longer a member of my husbands family, even though I consider all of them my family. I feel like I am the embarrassment of the family - whose husband cheated on her (everyone knew it but me), not out dating after the divorce when through, I don't party, Oh! I don't like gambling or bingo, I don't have a job (believe me I've tried and no one will interview me), lives in a house that is literally falling down around me, I have an autoimmune disease which doctors don't or won't diagnose and keep changing their minds, I can't even get approved for disability benefits because of my pain and anxiety disorder, I feel like the family charity case. Can't begin to explain how deeply it all hurts. I'm still a wife, in the sense, that I am upholding my marriage vows. God asked me to. After my husband announced, out of the blue, that he filed for divorce and was leaving - God knocked me to my knees and asked me to stand for my marriage and family. I said yes. It's been the hardest thing I've ever had to do. But, I trust God.
After my husband left, my spiritual journey took off. God showed me so many amazing things and my love for Him grew by leaps and bounds. At the same time, the enemy has hit and the pain has been horrible. So many things were happening, that I met with my Priest and asked him, 'What the heck is happening to me?' His answer was: 'you are falling in love with Jesus. And God has asked you to do this for a reason, it's going to be rough, but I will be here with you on this journey.' Nine years later, he was moved to a different parish in the archdiocese and it's been difficult without his spiritual guidance. Sometimes, God removes things so you can lean more on Him. I get that and I've been trying to do that. It's hard, I am human and. sometimes, it is nice to have an answer right away or someone to talk with to help sort things out. God does help, but in His way, which is good. Just hard for us humans to understand and many times you feel very much alone. It's been very difficult as God has allowed me to learn more and more about the hurt that my husband caused. Opening my eyes? I don't know. I just have one question, and that is, 'why?' Why, God, am I going through this? Why so much hurt? Why? Then I want to ask my husband, why. Why did he cheat on me? When he promised that he never would. Why with so many women? Why wasn't I good enough? Why was I a married single parent? And then I ask God, why were my prayers not answered for my marriage and family?
Then my family fell apart. Literally, it fell apart. My oldest son had an argument with my Mother. Both are extremely stubborn people. I love them both, but both are stubborn. One stupid day, when they both let anger take over and that is the day my world really crumbled. I had to deal with my husbands adultery, being humiliated over and over and over with a divorce and gossip. What held me through that pain was my faith in God and my family: my 2 sons, my daughter in law and my grandkids. That day, 7 years ago, my heart was ripped out of my chest and hasn't been put back. My son accused me of taking sides in the argument - I don't take sides and I didn't take any side that day. He refused to believe me. He and his family lived with me, but from that day on - they no longer ate their meals in the kitchen and the kids were no longer allowed to be near me or allowed to come upstairs to be with me and were told, I no longer cared for them. They moved out a few months later and I think they live in a nice place in the town next to ours, I'm not sure - I've not been there. I do get glimpses of them once in awhile in town, or at the school the kids go to and my son works at. At our nephew's wedding, I walked into the reception and my grandson saw me and a look of total terror came over his face. My heart was once again ripped out of my chest. I went to look for my name to see what table I was sitting at. I found it. By myself with people I didn't know and meanwhile at another table was my husband with his 'friend', our two sons, our daughter in law and our grandkids. I prayed, I ate dinner and left and sat in the chapel and sobbed and asked God, why. Why did you ask me to stand in the gap for my marriage to be restored? You know, I recently felt like giving up and asked our new Priest if I should just file for an annulment - heavens, I have reason to - and he said adamantly: no. He told me to trust in God, to honor my marriage vows and vocation of marriage/wife/mother. I am and it's hard.
I've often told God, that I'm not sure that He can heal the hole in my heart that was my marriage and family and trust and love. Why do we go through this pain - whether it's adultery, divorce, debilitating illnesses, illnesses that have no cure only a death sentence - why? Sometimes, we go through purgatory on earth - as my Priest friend said: it's now or later, to which I replied: it hurts. He agreed. Sometimes, God also allows us to go through these trials to polish us just as a refiner polishes silver - until he can see his face in the silver. Many times I ask: am I polished yet? Many times I also know that I am the prodigal sons brother: what about me? Or, I'm more Martha than Mary. It's not an easy road, it's a very narrow road - but it leads us to Heaven and we just have to be like the Blessed Mother Mary and trust completely in God and ponder all of these things in our hearts.
As for the title of my blog: 'When I Make God Smile' - is He smiling at me now through all of my doubt and tears and broken heart? Yeah, I think He is. It's that loving and gentle smile that a parent gives His child when they are hurting that says: I love you and I am always with you, even through all of the pain. I totally understand.
Psalm 66:10-12 For You have tried us, O God; You have refined us as silver is refined.
Luke 15:25-32 25 "Now his older son was in the field, and when he came and approached the house, he heard music and dancing. 26 "And he summoned one of the servants and began inquiring what these things could be. 27 "And he said to him, 'Your brother has come, and your father has killed the fattened calf because he has received him back safe and sound.' 28 "But he became angry and was not willing to go in; and his father came out and began pleading with him. 29 "But he answered and said to his father, 'Look! For so many years I have been serving you and I have never neglected a command of yours; and yet you have never given me a young goat, so that I might celebrate with my friends; 30 but when this son of yours came, who has devoured your wealth with prostitutes, you killed the fattened calf for him.' 31 "And he said to him, 'Son, you have always been with me, and all that is mine is yours. 32 'But we had to celebrate and rejoice, for this brother of yours was dead and has begun to live, and was lost and has been found.'"
Luke 10:38-42 38 Now as they were traveling along, He entered a village; and a woman named Martha welcomed Him into her home. 39 She had a sister called Mary, who was seated at the Lord's feet, listening to His word. 40 But Martha was distracted with all her preparations; and she came up to Him and said, "Lord, do You not care that my sister has left me to do all the serving alone? Then tell her to help me." 41 But the Lord answered and said to her, "Martha, Martha, you are worried and bothered about so many things; 42 but only one thing is necessary, for Mary has chosen the good part, which shall not be taken away from her."
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