Searching

Some days it feels like you just cannot find God's smiles. Lately, it's felt like that alot. During our journey it seems like the hits from the enemy are non-stop. Many times you yell out to God - enough, c'mon can't I catch a break? It is then that many times I feel like the prodigal sons brother - what about me? I haven't left, I'm still here - but it seems like no one cares that I haven't left, that I'm standing here! I don't like this feeling. It is at this time that I lean on Psalm 23, although recently the hurt has been so bad, that I can't seem to find comfort even in my favorite Psalm.

You feel like your prayers aren't being heard, you feel like God doesn't care. I know that is wrong to feel that way, but sometimes it is hard not to feel that way. God always cares, I know this, but I guess maybe, our faith is being tested. Mother Teresa once quoted, "I know that God won't give me anything I can't handle. I just wish He wouldn't trust me so much." Boy, do I know this feeling. With every hurt and heart break, I know this feeling and wonder where my prayers are. My friend, Joe, gave me an angel ornament a number of years ago with this saying on it. He smiled when I opened it and said it reminds me of you. The angel ornament is on my desk where I can see it at all times. It's at this low time in the desert that I try to remind myself that things aren't so bad. So my family has been going through some tough times and split apart for now - we are all still here, alive and healthy; so I can't pay the bills because my hours have been cut drastically at work and bill collectors are threatening - there is still a little bit of a paycheck;  so the roof leaks  - I have a roof; so the windows are falling apart and duct tape can't fix it - I have windows; so the car needs new brakes and tires - I have a car; so I can't afford the healthy food I need - I still have food to eat. It's during this 'desert' time that I also think of the poem, Footsteps in the Sand:

'Footsteps in the Sand'

One night a man had a dream.
He dreamed he was walking along
the beach with the Lord.

Across the dark sky flashed scenes from his life.
For each scene, he noticed
two sets of footprints in the sand,
one belonging to him and the other to the Lord.

When the last scene of his life flashed before him,
he looked back at the footprints in the sand.
He noticed that many times along the path of his life
there was only one set of footprints.
He also noticed that it happened at the
very lowest and saddest times in his life.
This bothered him and he questioned the Lord about it.

"Lord, you said that once I decided to follow you,
you'd walk with me all the way.
But I have noticed that during the most
troublesome times in my life there is
only one set of footprints.
I don't understand why when I needed you most
you would leave me."

The Lord replied "My precious, precious child,
I love you and would never leave you.
During your times of trial and suffering,
when you see only one set of footprints in the sand,
it was then that I carried you."

Some times during our journeys, it feels as though God leaves you alone. Why? I'm not sure, to test our love? our faith? to build our character to what He wants us to be? I wish I knew. I know God is real, I know He is there, I know He is carrying me right now to get through this time of trial and suffering  When I can't find God's smiles, it hurts and it is a sad feeling. But I know its there, just have to keep searching.